Smile For the Camera
by Accio Abarero
Summary: The story behind House and Wilson's relationship, as told by them. HouseWilson.


Author's Notes: Written for a friend for Christmas. This takes place right after episode 4x07- Ugly

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Smile for the Camera

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_Gregory House M.D.- a simple doctor or much more? Who is the man behind the mask? What secrets can we convince him to share? These answers and many others our crew has managed to capture on film. Raw and uncut, we will now reveal to you- the real House M.D._

The scene opens focused on a green door, a gold plate reading 221B glimmering in the evening light. Slowly, the door opens and a gruff man stands in the entryway leaning heavily on his cane. This is Gregory House, the man this documentary is about. Following him into his home, the camera pans to take in all the books lining his shelves and on a nearby counter, a rat peers out through the bars of a cage.

"Oh, that's Steve McQueen," House remarks on noticing the camera zooming in on the rat. The camera focuses on House as he shrugs; veering into the kitchen. He returns a moment later with a pill bottle. Wordlessly, he opens it and throws back a couple of pills.

"So when are you going to ask me the juicy stuff?" He questions, walking around the couch and sitting down. The camera jostles as it's sat down on a stand.

A proper British voice speaks from off screen.

"First of all, thank you for offering to do this interview. As for the 'juicy stuff,' we figured we would ask a…friend of yours about that."

The camera swivels on the stand in time to catch the front door opening. A man enters and his eyes go wide at the sight of the camera.

"House, what is—"

House grabs the camera, turning it to himself.

"How much do you know, Big Brother? You've been watching me, haven't you? I've read _1984_ and you are twenty three years too late!"

The narrator speaks again, "We would like to talk to you and Dr. Wilson about your relationship."

The man identified as Dr. Wilson comes back into the frame as he sits down on the couch and angrily confronts House.

"If this is some kind of joke…"

House leers at the camera, "Oh you _are_ good. Going right for the racy stuff aren't you? How much will you pay me for the _really_ juicy stuff?"

"House!" Wilson tries to interrupt, but it is cut short as the other man grabs him by his tie and pulls him down into a kiss.

The oncologist stumbles backwards, panicked glances going from the camera to House and back. House, on the other hand, looks devious as he faces the camera again.

"That good enough for ya to add some more zeroes to my fee?"

His smile widens, "Good," and he yanks Wilson onto the couch next to him.

"All right. What do you want to know, oh generous and exploiting documentary makers?"

"House are you seriously going to…"

He turns to Wilson, his expression instantly serious. "It's time."

"But…"

"Wilson- aren't you tired yet?"

"House, don't quote _Will & Grace_ at a time like this!"

"It seemed fitting, you know, since we're—"

Wilson cuts him off; composing himself quickly and facing the camera.

"Dr. House and I have a very complex relationship. And before he just blurts things out, I think you should know the facts first. We met back in—"

"We're queers," House interrupts.

"House!"

"Oh right, I suppose the term bisexual is more correct for this; what with your wives and my love of a firm D-cup."

Dragging a hand down his face, Wilson mutters, "I can't believe you're doing this."

"Aww come on, it'll be fun to out ourselves. Think of the look on Cuddy's face, that alone should make it worth it." When Wilson doesn't budge, House leans over and whispers in his ear.

"Are you serious?"

House nods, "I swear on my Vicodin that that is the truth."

"Fine. You'll just make things up and make things worse if I'm not here to keep you in check anyways."

"Got that damn right," House replies with a grin. Wilson shakes his head, then begins.

"House and I have known each other for years. That was mostly during what we'll call the Stacy-Period."

"Oooh, we have historic periods now. Awesome."

Wilson rolls his eyes, but continues, "When that relationship ended, we became closer."

"Well, considering your shitty marriage at the time," House adds.

"Let's just say we both weren't exactly interested in being around our significant others and didn't want to be alone either. Some might say it strengthened our friendship."

"Or they'd just realize we were fuck buddies."

"House..." He warns, "If I have to be a part of this, at least let me tell it with some dignity."

"I am not letting you turn this into some boringmentary," House turns the camera towards him, "So that's when we started having hot man sex. It was- manly, and it involved sex, with another man."

"Will you just..."

"No, no more snore inducing, Professor Yawn. They want to know about our man-sex, can't you tell?"

"Why did I agree to this..." Wilson mutters to himself.

"So during this time period, we'll call it: The Era of Wilson's Three Wives, our relationship consisted of doing manly friendshippy things and occasionally having man-sex to quench our man urges."

"Okay, stop- how is this any better than me telling it? This is just juvenile."

"But it's not making me fall asleep."

"Let's just get through this fiasco, okay?"

"Okey dokey."

"So yes, I was having marriage problems. I'd rather not get into that, but let's just say that even big holidays such as Christmas I ended up spending with House. After the divorce from my third wife, I moved in with him for awhile."

"Best few weeks of food in my life," House adds.

"Problem was, I figured the only reason I was seeking this emotional refugee, in House of all people- which is never a good thing, I tell you- was because of the failure of my third marriage."

"It was actually because Dr. Wilson here is a giant sap, but we all know that."

The camera catches Wilson playfully shoving at House's shoulder, as he shyly looks away.

"So to get things up to speed: things got a little more personal, an asshole cop made my life a living hell and dragged Wilson into it, and then..." House pauses.

"Then," Wilson cuts in, a meaningful glance cast in Houses's direction, "House showed his resolve, that he could change. His apology to me meant a lot, so I personally felt as if that really took our relationship to a new level."

"Because, you're a sap," House retorts, putting his arm around Wilson and prodding at his cheek with a finger, "This is the face of a man who is a bleeding heart, remember that."

"We've never been exclusive," Wilson continues, "Never felt like we had to. We've kept it a secret from our co-workers because we didn't feel it was of any relevance to our jobs."

"Except for that time we made out in the janitor's broom closet," House pipes up with a grin. Wilson sighs, rubbing at his temples.

The narrator's voice speaks once again, "So, would you say you love each other?"

Wilson looks to House, expecting him to answer first.

"In a dysfunctional, totally screwed up way... yes."

The camera pans to Wilson, who is shaking his head while smiling.

"Yes, I think House summed it up about right."

"Thank you both for your time," the narrator says and the camera fades to black.

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Dr. Lisa Cuddy just gaped at the TV screen in front of her as the documentary finished. Turning her sharp gaze around, she sees House leaning against her desk and a nervous looking Dr. Wilson standing to the side.

"Am I supposed to, for one second, believe this is real?"

House quirks an eyebrow, "You think this is fake?"

"House, you obviously paid someone to operate the camera until you sat it down. And the British narrator is clearly you cueing up something you prerecorded."

"No it's not!" He exclaims, acting falsely scandalized.

Wilson could feel a headache coming on. Then again, when the questions were being asked by a radio and there was a boy from off the street operating the camera he had wondered about it himself at first.

"You can even see you pressing a remote right before the narrator speaks," Cuddy notes, having rewound the tape to one such incident. "That's not even touching on the fact that it's a little suspicious that this documentary was made _three days_ after the other documentary."

House opened his mouth to speak again, but Cuddy cut him off.

"I won't even ask how you blackmailed Dr. Wilson into this, but I really have better things to do than to humor your contrived gay doctor story."

"But we really are gay," House says, watching her reaction closely.

Cuddy just sighs, ejecting the video and handing it back to House, "I'm not buying it."

House hobbles across the room and pulls Wilson into a kiss before he can protest. Cuddy just rolls her eyes.

"Will you please stop sexually harassing Dr. Wilson and go do your clinic hours?"

Pouting like a child who has had favorite toy taken away, House reluctantly let Wilson go.

"Aww, but I've always dreamed of making out with my _boyfriend_ in your office."

"Out," Cuddy instructed sternly, "Or I'll make you cover Dr. Wilson's clinic hours as an apology to him for this insanity."

House shrugged, snatching his cane off her desk and walking out. Wilson gave Dr. Cuddy a 'I'm sorry, House is insane' smile and followed after him.

"I told you, you had nothing to worry about," House said once they were out of earshot.

"That's just because no one takes you seriously!" Wilson countered, "Anyone else would have at least looked into it, but you- you can get away with it!"

Grinning House punched a number on the elevator, "I can't believe how worked up you're getting about this."

"You told me it was a harmless joke on a friend, not that you were showing it to Cuddy. I could have lost my job!"

"Nah, we'd go all gay rights on her if she did that," House answered as they stepped onto the elevator, "Plus, you could have at least put up a struggle when I kissed you. You turned to mush the second I did."

The elevator doors closed and Wilson checked to make sure they were alone, "That's because..."

"Face it, you are putty in my hands," House remarked, reaching over to brush a hand against Wilson's face.

"House..." he warned, "enough trying to get me fired today, okay?"

"Can we make out in my office later?"

"No. You have glass windows."

House leered, "That's the fun part."

"No," Wilson reiterated, as the elevator came to a stop. "This is my floor."

"So you're coming over later, right?"

Wilson sighed in resignation, "Yes."

"Good. I Tivoed that gay cowboy movie for us to laugh at."

"Doors are opening," Wilson noted, nodding towards House's lingering hand on his shoulder.

"'Later, my sex kitten," House purred jokingly, stealing one quick kiss before the doors opened.

Trying to act as normal as possible, Wilson shot him a glare as he stepped out onto the busy hospital floor.

"Don't even joke with a name like that. Ever."

"Aww, you're no fun!" House yelled out as the elevator door closed.

And as Dr. Wilson walked down the hallway, he couldn't help but laugh to himself.

_Everybody lies. And when they don't, people just assume they are._


End file.
